duh nuh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh, clap clap - that little ditty used to excite me, sending shivers up my spine in anticipation. Now, it chills my beating heart and fills my stomach with bile.

Why? Because the CW ruined 90210. Kelly Taylor is a guidance counselor? Maybe she can guide the new cast of girls on how to steal boyfriends or backstab best friends. She certainly does not need to listen to other people’s drama after her own lifetimes of drama – being addicted to diet pills, having a cokehead mom, having David Silver see her naked when she got out of the shower that one time, getting date raped, almost getting raped, actually getting raped, killing her rapist, getting caught in a house fire, being stalked, having to go to rehab, having amnesia, being shot, being in a cult, having a miscarriage, and living with Donna Martin. She also got carbon-monoxided (damn you, Tara Marks, for not finishing the job!)

Perhaps a future conversation between a student and Kelly:
Kelly: So what is the problem, kid? Rape, coke, diet pills, rape, creepy new step-brother, drunk Mom, burns from a fire, stalker, or rape?
Student: You said rape three times.

And Brenda Walsh? Everyone knows Brenda should be living in France as a full-time diva – with Dylan McKay. But of course, after tonight’s revelation, my dream of Brenda and Dylan together forever came to a disastrous end. Kelly is Dylan’s baby mama. Groan. The horror of it all!

Brenda and Dylan were meant for each other. I had imagined a post-90210 world in which Kelly died of another coke addiction and Brenda and Dylan drove around in Dylan’s Porsche Boxster listening to R.E.M. Yeah, yeah, bite my tongue, right? Well, it doesn’t even matter because the new 90210 seems a little irrelevant in a post-OC world now dominated by Gossip Girls. Take that, CW!

duh nuh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh, clap clap.